I haven’t written in a long time. Like most things that I should continue to do while suffering from a depressive episode, this fell to the way side as I was trying desperately to get through each day without giving up. I found myself fighting new symptoms, new issues I hadn’t before.
My depression always manifested as exhaustion, listlessness, no motivation, a desire to avoid all unnecessary humane contact. I would have shitty sleep, and I would eat like crap, but never enough. Now I found myself with no appetite, nauseous most of the time, vomiting during the worst parts. Loosing weight, muscle ton, what little fat I have on my slim body. Biggest sign I was getting to thin, I dropped two cup sizes in my bras. I have always had large breasts compared to by body size, now they are proportional, my breasts haven’t been this small since I was in high school.
The most upsetting new symptom, I wanted to hurt myself. Not suicide, I didn’t have a desire to die, I had a desire to experience pain. I wanted to feel something physical, because I know how to deal with physical pain, and I can tolerate a ridiculous amount of it. My wings are an example of that, my ability to endure pain. Self harm desires usually manifest out of a desire to feel something other than the emotional pain that one is experiencing, I can relate to that. I would find myself getting angry with little provocation, and with that came a desire to hurt myself.
I was able to resist this, mostly, until recently when I took it out on my right thigh, I have bruises there, and every time I bump into something and feel it I am reminded of my failures. My inability to control my anger, my self loathing, my self hatred in that moment.
My downward spiral had been going on for several months, and finally resulted in a breakdown, in downtown Minneapolis (I like to have public breakdowns, to make other people uncomfortable around me.) On the phone with my mother, I finally realized how badly I needed help. With a quick call to my social worker, the first step was made. I was on the path to getting better again.
It takes just as long to get better as it did to get sick, or worse. Depression is sneaky, and I found myself deep before I even really could acknowledge what it was. Now the fight back begins, and this past weekend I found a source of energy and power to fight for happiness again through a powerful group, the Supernatural fandom.
For the first time a Supernatural convention came to Minneapolis, and living so close to the place it was being held, I had to go.
Background first.
I discovered Supernatural two years ago, after I had taken the bar exam and was awaiting my results, I was unemployed, living on my sisters floor (thank god for family) and finding it difficult to get through the day. I did my best, but found that I enjoyed sitting around and watching TV. At the advice of my then 11 year old niece, I started watching a show about two brothers, who hunted monsters. They were very pretty brothers by the way. Feast upon their beauty!!!
Jensen Ackles, on the left, and Jarad Padalecki on the right at Upfronts for the CWs Supernatural Season 10.
It turns out though, that the story resonated with me in a way I could never have expected. The gentlemen on the left, one Jensen Ackles, plays Dean Winchester, and I found myself relating to his self sacrafice, his self worth issues, and his serious issues. I was hooked.
As I progressed through all 9 seasons at the time, I found myself connecting to the show on a level I hadn’t experienced before. So I did what all fans do, I went online, and I found the Supernatural Fandom. I found my family.
I could write numerous blog posts about the power of this Fandom, instead I will guide you to those that do it much better. https://fangasmthebook.wordpress.com/ These women have literally written books about the Supernatural Fandom, the power behind it, the community that it created, both online and in the real world. All of the things that have grown from it.
The three lead actors, Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins and Jarad Padalecki, have taken this incredibly strong fandom and turned our numbers into a force for good. I suggest you check out the charity work all three have done. Also, Misha is also adorable.
Misha Collins just being an angle, with the most amazing blue eyes nature has ever created.
Again, I could write a book on how much this show, and the interaction these men have with their fans, have done for me. I will focus on one specific thing.
Jarad Padalecki has been open about his battle and struggle with depression and anxiety. Check out his Twitter account and you can see him talking about, google him and you can read him talking about it. He took his struggle, and decided to be open and honest and create a campaign, Always Keep Fighting. He has launched t-shirt campaigns to raise money for organizations that support mental health issues and treatment. His campaigns launched at the front end of my tail spin back into serious depression. I bought one of his shirts, supporting a cause I believe in, but mostly I was so grateful that someone that had the ears of so many people, took the time to be vulnerable and honest about a very really issue for so many of us. His strength inspires me.
Now, Minneapolis Con (Minncon for the uninitiated) was this past weekend. I was surrounded by all of these fans, all of these people that shared a passion for an amazing tv show. Even though I had gone alone, I was not in doubt that I would soon make friends, and I did, within the first 10 minutes of sitting down.
Now my friends and family tolerate and humor my effusive discussions and excitement about Supernatural. They are very kind when it comes to my freaking out about stuff. One might say they are even supportive. Hell even my therapist has told me if it makes me happy I should watch as much as I can without interfering with my life.
What made this weekend so amazing though, and so important to me at this moment in my life, was the fans that stood up during a panel, and talked so openly about their own struggles with mental health issues. How the campaign and Jarad’s honesty about his own struggles helped pull them back from a dark place. As I sat there and listened to them say this, I found myself crying, wanting to completely break down. I was not alone, I was not the only one that drew strength from a strangers fight. I was not the only one that turned to this fandom as a reason to live, as a source of purpose and joy. This wasn’t a dirty little secret here, this wasn’t something that I had to tone down. I was allowed to be completely open and honest with my love of this show, these people, and how they have helped me through some of the darkest times of my life since Afghanistan. I had found my Supernatural Family.
At one point I got on stage during a break, people were given the opportunity to talk about their favorite episodes and why. I got on this stage and talked about the two episodes that resonated the most with me. The ones where Dean broke down, and talked about how Hell had affected him (literally, he was literally in hell) and how the fighting in Purgatory was simple (again, literally in purgatory.) I talked about how his reactions, his emotions reminded me so much of how I felt coming home from Afghanistan, coming home from war. People shouted out, “Thank you for your service” and for the first time, I didn’t feel like I needed to make a joke. I didn’t feel embarrassed, I felt embraced. I felt loved in a genuine way. That is what this fandom has done for me.
I got a photo op with Jared, Jensen and Misha. I was wearing my Always Keep Fighting shirt, and had spent a lot of time making sure I didn’t look like death warmed over. I had slept poorly the night before, emotionally exhausted but unable to sleep. As I walked up to them, Jared complimented me on my shirt, I told them I wanted a sandwich picture, and I was embraced by these three amazing men. The entire encounter lasted about 20 seconds, they are very efficient.
This is the most amazing sandwich I will ever be a part of.
This weekend did not cure me. I wasn’t suddenly happy and carefree again. I am in the midst of medication adjustments, therapy, multiple appointments with MDs trying to figure out why I feel so sick all the time. I am just at the beginning of my fight to get back to my normal. It will take time, it always does. I am going to have supremely bad days in the process. Monday is an example of that, and my thigh is physical proof. But this weekend was a reprieve. It was a break from the pain and depression I have been fighting for the past three months. It was a much needed break.
Support and love comes from unexpected places. Those that were brave enough to speak of their struggles in an auditorium full of strangers have no idea how much their strength impacted me. They have no idea that their courage has made me stronger, has given me this extra boost to keep fighting. They have no idea how powerful their strength is, but I have a feeling they know how powerful our Fandom is. That they gather the same strength and support from millions of men and women who could talk for hours about this amazing show, and these amazing people.
Family don’t end with blood, and I have a huge Supernatural Family.
FeministGIJane 